Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas has looked to make his first January signing with an audacious bid for Black Eyed Peas’ Los Angeles-based playmaker, Will-I-am.
I-am, a multi-instrumentalist with an ability to ‘get up and down the pitch’, is in the final year of his BEP contract and is looking for a move to Europe under a Bosman transfer. Villas-Boas, discussing the signing whilst stumbling out of Mayfair’s Annabel’s nightclub, said ‘Will can add that rhythmic beat to our midfield to put alongside the Samba of Ramirez and the Flamenco of Juan Mata’. ‘I’m sure Will can fit into the club. He’s used to working with a load of self-important drama queens within the Black Eyed Peas, and he’s happy to dump the hat and fuckin’ stupid sunglasses.’
It is also believed I-am was shocked to find that Chelsea’s players don’t all live on the Kings Road, drifting from nightclub to nightclub outside of training hours, but prefer tacky warehouse-sized mock-Georgian pads in leafy Surrey. An insider said ‘Will is an urban sort of guy who won’t appreciate driving his 4x4 anywhere near the countryside’.
In a separate manoeuvre, Chelsea are also looking to meet Shaktar Donetsk’s £18 million valuation for midfielder Willian..(pause)……. aww, bugger.
I-am, a multi-instrumentalist with an ability to ‘get up and down the pitch’, is in the final year of his BEP contract and is looking for a move to Europe under a Bosman transfer. Villas-Boas, discussing the signing whilst stumbling out of Mayfair’s Annabel’s nightclub, said ‘Will can add that rhythmic beat to our midfield to put alongside the Samba of Ramirez and the Flamenco of Juan Mata’. ‘I’m sure Will can fit into the club. He’s used to working with a load of self-important drama queens within the Black Eyed Peas, and he’s happy to dump the hat and fuckin’ stupid sunglasses.’
One of Chelsea’s main problems will be to calm the waters with defender Ashley Cole. Will-I- am has had a well-publicised ‘professional’ relationship will Cole’s estranged wife Cheryl, and produced her seminal debut album, ‘3 Words’. This may cause strains within the team, although it is believed that Will would be playing on the right of midfield, and right back Jose Bosingwa’s wife allegedly ‘can’t sing for toffee’. At one of the low points of their marriage, Cheryl complained ‘Ashley’s all one foot. Even in the bedroom, the right foot’s just for standing on, whilst Will’s got two good feet and a nice soft touch on the ball’.
It is also believed I-am was shocked to find that Chelsea’s players don’t all live on the Kings Road, drifting from nightclub to nightclub outside of training hours, but prefer tacky warehouse-sized mock-Georgian pads in leafy Surrey. An insider said ‘Will is an urban sort of guy who won’t appreciate driving his 4x4 anywhere near the countryside’.
In a separate manoeuvre, Chelsea are also looking to meet Shaktar Donetsk’s £18 million valuation for midfielder Willian..(pause)……. aww, bugger.
Very funny post. Made me laugh out loud - which doesn't happen often when reading blogs.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up!
Cheers, Dude.
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